I feel tempted to quit this course… I can’t live with this kinda lifestyle. It allows me no life at all and my parents try to make it better but make it worse instead cos they don’t understand why I have to put in so many hours for projects and all… What am I to do!!
15th April 2013… First day of year 2. Seeing this post means I have survived my 3rd day of school! HAHA! Already we have 5 projects awaiting our attention… And here I am blogging. Wow. >.<
Took a piccy with Rasyiqah~ ^^ Miss this gurl so much! Our clique only has 6 people left (+/- Faal, 7) We can actually all sit together in class now… I miss Fini and Nisa!
The Turquoise gang! Took the train home with DC and Isa ^^v Actually Steph was wearing the same shade of turquoise as me! Steph’s phone cover, Rasyiqah’s phone cover, Lorry’s phone cover are all turquoise! Nica’s laptop case is turquoise and I was wearing turquoise shoes too! Like WHAT?!?
Took a pic with this boy who was so super pleased with his jacket which he bought from Japan. He’s now a total Japan fan! Lols…
After I got home I cleared my entire desk and now… IT’S SO CLEAN! NO DUST AT ALL AND SO MUCH SPACE TO WORK! Yay me!
In my head I can only imagine what kind of a house I would wanna live in later in life. I always look at home decor magazines and try to place furniture I like into my imaginary house in my head. It’s actually pretty fun!
My living room would have a sofa and an arm chair facing the tv. There would be a carpet in front of the sofa and a coffee table on the carpet.
I would have a round dining table with about 8-10 chairs so that I can have friends and family over for gatherings!
Alternatively I would have a long wooden table with a bench on one side and 3-4 chairs on the other side!
I would like to have my own design studio to work in with my own desk and wall space to lay out my work and inspirations! Somewhere to get motivated to do my work.
I would like to have a dance studio in my house! I know it’s crazy but I really want one! Big windows preferred to let sunlight in in the day~
Last but not least… my bedroom! A dream house wouldn’t come complete without a walk in wardrobe would it? XD
As for the toilets… I havnt thought about it yet! Maybe I will update my post soon if I see cool ideas I wanna have in my dream home!
I feel as if I’m so insignificant to the people around me. They’re so busy with their lives they forget about me.
Last night I had the weirdest dream ever. Like ever EVER! So here it goes…
I met this guy abroad (maybe I was studying overseas or working) and we fell in love. I came back to Singapore and told my family I was going to get married. Next thing I know it’s the wedding day and I realise that none of my friends are there! I was apparently told it was a family only event…. So the first part was the church wedding (I’m not Christian or Catholic but maybe he was I dunno) and I was over the moon! We stood at the alter and from the decor and organisation of the whole wedding it seems that his family was quite rich… Hmmm…
Next thing I remember was asking my sister “Is there going to be a wedding dinner??” She replied “Yea this is just part 1” And I’m like “OMG… It’s going to be a long day” Next thing I know the reception was being held in the garden of my Paternal Grandparents’ house in Jalan Pandan! WHAAAAAAAT?!?! I hate that place!! Anyway… I saw a lot of my relatives and stuff… I was wearing a really nice white laced wedding gown (one which only exists in my head thus appearing in my dream).
Next “scene” was at the wedding dinner! As usual it was at a hotel and the reception was held outside the banquet hall… white table-clothed cocktail tables with flowers and heavy royal red carpeted floors. Some family members came to congratulate me and calm me down while I was waiting in the dressing room. At this point I’m still annoyed I didn’t get to invite my close friends (Chong, Pei, Manda, Steph, Zan, Hiddy, Isa, Faal. All these names which popped up in my head). Next thing I know, I’m walking down the aisle in a beautiful cream gown (one that I have always dreamed of designing for myself for my own wedding). Half way down the aisle… I woke up cos I urgently needed to go pee. TA-DAH! End of weirdo dream.
So the thing is I never saw his face in my dream… He’s some unknown dude… Quite much taller than me (maybe about 178-180cm?) and quite slim too. In my dream I hugged him which is quite disturbing now since IDK who the hell he is!! But this has to be the weirdest dreams I’ve had in my entire life… Ok needa stop rationalising it now. HAHA!!
Throughout this entire holidays Ive been working out regularly and keeping fit. My goal was to reach 50kg (before hole weight = 54kg) by the new school year. Ive been jogging weekly, dancing weekly and going to the gym as well! So yesterday I went to the gym with Manda and did crunches, push ups, side lunges, 4km on the rowing machine and 2km on the treadmill! Not bad not bad~ On the way to get our bags to go change I was like “Hey look a weighing machine! Let’s see how much I weigh now!” Feeling like Ive lost some weight I stepped on confidently. As I did so, my confidence dropped from 10-1 in 2 seconds as the scale showed 57.4kg… 57.4KG??!?!?!? What sorcery is thissssss!!
Ive live a fairly sheltered life I think… Free from bullies and bad influences. Im supposed to be a happy fool. The kinda kid who rarely goes out cos she’s so used to being at home and alone. The kinda girl who is happy cos she has no worries in the world. Wrong. Ive always had problems.
Honestly I dont know where they came from… I wanted to runaway when I was 7. Id intentionally injure myself and when my family asked what happened Id say it was an accident. I even became suicidal at one point but I was too cowardly to kill myself. I felt like the world would be better off without me and no one would care if I left without a word. When I was younger I wanted so badly to smoke cos the idea was just so enticing.
Even though I dont have suicidal thoughts anymore Im so insecure. Im insecure about my body and my capabilities. I think I have a mild form of dyslexia and it bothers me no end that I cant read a fast as other people. I feel dumb. I know I constantly psycho myself to want to be healthy and have a balanced diet but I cannot help but obsess over wanting the perfect body… I want a thigh gap, I want abs, I want my collarbones and hipbones to show. I want so badly to be 50kg but I can never reach there and it makes me feel so useless.
Lately Ive been feeling lonely. I think I want a boyfriend. But guys dont even look at me as a girl. Maybe it’s my natural bro-zoning at work. I think my brain makes me behave like that so I wont feel awkward. I dont know. Maybe I just havnt met Mr Right yet. But it makes me feel insecure bout my personality and my appearance.
I know it’s all in my head but these thoughts and feelings wont disappear. I want them to go away. I want to be confident and live life to the fullest. I dont wanna hide in the shadows anymore… I want to have the courage to step out into the light and be 100% myself.
19th March 2013~
For the first time since the 3rd day of CNY I got to meet up with my cute cuddly cousin! We met at our usual spot in from of F21 at 313 and had lunch at our usual lunch haunt Genki at OC! Haha! We so standard one >.<
We planned to go ice skating after some shopping but….. We ended up shopping until after dinner! HEHE! Unni met us half way through our shopping trip at ION Starbucks and she drank the funky orange coloured drink which she says didnt taste any good LOL! After trying to persuade her to cancel her piano lesson in vain she abandoned us at ION. XP
We went to Marche for dinner and had an extremely filling meal! We shared Pasta Gratin, Caesar salad and savory Crape! Feast! Whooo!
I didnt take a photo of my buys but heres what I bought! 3 crop tanks from New Look, 2 tops from Stradivarius and pair of denim shorts and an owl necklace from F21~ ^^ (See #teamnaufal Outing II post for pic of indian design inspired tee from Stradivarius). Nat bought a top and a pair of heels from New Look and 3 tops from Stradivarius (2 of which are the same cut but different design/colour as the ones I bought) Hehe!
Good food, good company, good shopping! I really love how we’re so close now compared to last time! Though Kpop brought us closer together we talk about so much more than that now! I LOVE YOU DONGSAENG! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
Honestly Ive been waiting for this day since 2008. DEMI LOVATO LIVE IN SINGAPORE!! I attended the concert with the one and only Manda~ This girl ah… forever making me wait and forever making us late. Haiz… Libras.
Im so so so so happy that I was lucky enough to see Demi in the flesh! Her energy is so amazing! She just works the crowd like no one else… Truly a superstar! It’s been an honour being her fan and having her as a role model and she really motivates me and her music inspires me to work harder and be stronger every single day.
To be honest Im very pron to depression and when things get really stressful for me and I feel I cant handle things I get a little suicidal. But watching Demi sing and perform after all those other things she has been through has made me wanna be healthy mentally and physically even more. THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING YOU’VE STOOD FOR DEMI!! <3
I had no idea there were going to be THAT many Lovatics at the concert! If my estimation isnt wrong there were about 3000 fans? CRAZY RIGHT?? Before she arrived on stage (an hour late) the DJ was playing popular hits and the fans all sang along! When Beyonce’s “Run The World” was playing and they lyrics went Who run the world! the “answer” is supposed to be Girls! but instead the fans yelled DEMI!! HAHHA!! EPIC! And it was quite moving when the entire crowd sang along to Fun’s “We Are Young”! It was like an anthem or something >.<
When she finally appeared we suddenly became energiser bunnies! It was so surreal seeing her live. It was like a dream and I was so afraid I might just wake up from it at any moment! But NO it was real! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! Fan girl mode: ON!
Favourite moment of the night…. When Demi sang Lightweight! Lightweight is definitely my favourite Demi songs of all time! It’s so intimate and I just absolutely love the melody~ To Demi… “The slightest words you said have all gone to my head, I hear angels sing in your voice~”
All dressed up~ Demi style (Girly chic with the rocker studs and flair skirt)
Waiting in line!
DEMI SINGING HERE WE GO AGAIN!!
We high after the concert! HYPER HYPER!
TEAM NAUFAL OUTING II
Today started out really REALLY frustratingly… As usual everyone has problems getting outta bed and no one turns up on time LOL. So Zan woke up first but went back to sleep cos she thought no one was awake then I woke up and Faal woke up but he also went back to sleep plus Isa didn’t wake up when I gave him a wake up call…. Haiz whats new #teamnaufal >.<
Cos I’m too lazy to tell the whole story I shall just do highlight~
While waiting for Faal and Zan to join us at Vivo, Isa and I went shopping while enjoying our ThaiExpress Avocado Milkshake! In the end he bought this really nice aztec skull print tee which was screaming my name (but I didnt buy cos my fam hate skulls)…. SO SORE BOUT IT I SWEAR! But what can I do right….? XD
Faal came around 5+ and the 3 of us walked all the way across the bridge to Sentosa! Warm sun on our skins~ SHIOK! The guys were doing most of the talking while I listened with the occasional comment. I wonder wassup with me giving this vibe where guys just throw away their facade and have guy talk when in front of me. Am I not a girl? I’m so used to this and I like how they’re so damn honest but it starts to make me think I’m never ever gonna be treated like a girl.
About an hour later…. PRINCESS ZAN ARRIVES AT VIVO!! So, we made our way back to Vivo to meet her~ While walking on the bridge the view of the sunset was so damn beautiful! YESSSSS I’VE FINALLY FOUND 2 OTHER PEOPLE (Faal & Isa) WHO LOVE THE (SUN)SET HOUR AS MUCH AS I DO!! YAY I’M NOT THE ONLY CRAZY ONE!!!
Zan bought us all jello hamburgers from Candy Empire~ We went to grab a Gongcha! Yummmmmy~ We walked around and ended up lepaking at Vivo’s roof-park just chatting and joking ^0^ After awhile it turned dark and we started looking for stars LOL blind Faal couldnt see them and kept insisting they were satellites HEHE!
We’ve made it #teamnaufal’s unofficial mission to change DC’s image! Well we are gonna try anyway >.< Hope this talk will turn to action! HAHHA!
After totally losing track of time and taking pics we headed to Food Republic for dinner! I wanted to eat Chicken Maccaronni but they had sold out alr so I settled for Hokkien Mee which wasnt too bad except the prawns took me quite awhile to eat cos of the shells… urgh. PLUS they gave me a whole uncut lime to squeeze on my meal… WHAT!!?? I also had some of Isa’s super sedap chicken which he bought from the Indonesian stall~ MMMDAP LAH SIOL!! XD
All in all it was a really fun day with plenty of laughs and funny moments! Love you guys and gal!! Let’s work to make #teamnaufal the awesomest bunch ever!! \(^0^)/
Today Faal asked me “Eh Kim. Why you never look for a boyfriend?”
I was like “I don’t see the need too I guess… I’m so happy being single. I can do whatever the hell I want!”
Now that I think about it… It’s not that I havnt been looking or what. I mean finding someone who actually likes me in that boy-girl way is almost impossible. It’s like no one really likes me that much as a person… I don’t understand why and I can only guess.
I think these are the reasons why guys don’t like me…
1) I’m not pretty/too tall
2) I’m too frank
3) I’m too independent
4) I’m not lady-like at all
That’s just what I think lah. And I tend to bro-zone/friend-zone everyone instinctively. Too afraid of getting hurt I guess. I’m 19 and I havnt dated yet… yea it’s about time I guess…